I shouldn’t need reassurance that I’m doing things the right way. That im making good decisions to better my life. I have 2.5 jobs.. almost 3, 1 semester of school left and ill have my Greenhouse certificate. I still have a lot to learn in this industry and I wish I had someone to show me more hands on; but I can’t do that here. I hate waiting fr things to happen, I want things to happen now, I want to that when I’m done here I have some form of a plan, somewhere to go and do what I’m supposed to. What am I supposed to do? I’m doing things right. Then why do I feel like I’m constantly wasting my time. I’m sitting here now, typing this. and I feel like I’m going nowhere. who gives a shit about what someone else is doing? I should be worried about me. my life. but no I’m sitting here telling myself this is how it’s supposed to be right now. the time to get shit done, learn, make money, and go somewhere. I know I’m going somewhere. But it seems like my own mind is working against me. telling me im fucking things up and slowing myself down. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I try to find something to make me go and make me feel like I’m back on top and in charge. I like being in charge of my life. but it feels like everyone around me gets to decide whether or not I have the brains and will to do something with my life. I don’t need someone elses opinion of me, but my brain tells me I do. like my heart and my brain are fighting with each other and I don’t know whats real or right anymore. ill pull myself out of this.. I always do. I just wish I had someone to reassure me without having to ask for it. but that’s what I’m supposed to be able to do for myself. get your shit together Liza. you don’t need someone else. you have you and you can make it.. I think. no. I don’t think. I know. come one, get up, get dressed and continue to be a responsible adult that people look at and think, yea she’s going somewhere. I hope that’s what people think, because sometimes I just can’t. I’m not depressed, just a little lost right now, it’ll be okay and maybe someday.. it actually will be.
P.S. I think I might take this fighting thing seriously.. could do me some good, find a new place to take my anger and confusion out, help me clear my mind and get the feeling of power back. Or it could send me back into my old rage. Just an idea.
I have so many things on my plate right meow and the only thing I can think about is the least of my damn worries and 100% the last thing that should be on my mind. Ughh I need a good relief session soon. SOON.
For real tho thats the attitude to have 😉
I need a new game. This song makes me feel more like a predator than a victim.
Okay so turns out I forgot I had created this blog the minute I made my first post. This literally happens every time I start something.. at least it feels that way. Like i’m always in between “projects” or something is always left unfinished. I’ve been saying and trying to get my motorcycle license for some time but the class always conveniently gets rescheduled.. that and I still feel like a need a lot more practice. I like to be good at what I want to do before i make an official jump to actually do it. And this is my problem. I’m also going to school to get my Greenhouse Certificate and have a job at a greenhouse, my goal is to become a Cannabis grower in a legal state and then become a professional Cannabis Chocolatier with my own shop. I’m also in the middle of learning the art of mixology so i can become a bartender and travel anywhere and still get a job. But that’s not it. I also currently work at a cafe as a barista and cashier and am trying to become the best drink maker I can be. I have sooo many things going on in my life but at the same time i feel like i’m stuck in the middle of all of it and getting no where. I want someone to be there for me, someone to love, comfort, and give confidence to. But yet i’m still playing the fwb game and fucking up every chance I may have had at feeling that again. I’m going nowhere and i feel like i’m about to get trapped somewhere i don’t want to be. Is this a “hobbie”? or just another distraction taking away from everything i’m trying to accomplish. Ive never considered anything I do to be a hobbie, just a goal i need to reach for my personal benefit. I need to move forward.
Hey! So this is my first post on my first blog. I hope to get really into this and maybe help keep myself organized while being able to express myself. I tend to talk myself out of doing things, but I really want this to become a hobby of mine! Wish me luck?